I just don’t understand.
I don’t understand why this always happens to me. I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. I don’t understand why I always end up being in this exact same position. I don’t understand why it always turns to shit.
What is so wrong with me that the guy I have feelings for doesn’t like me back? What is so wrong with me that it happens over and over and over again? What is so wrong with me that they don’t want to be with me? Am I that ugly? Am I that annoying? Am I that unbearable to be around? Am I that worthless that my feelings mean nothing to any of you?
All I ever wanted was just to be happy, to have someone to call my own, to feel like someone actually gave a crap about how my day was, or if I needed a hug, or even just to talk. I was never asking for anything spectacular, all I have ever wanted is someone to be there for me, the way I would be for them, no lies, no games, no bullshit, no drama. But it seems like that is an impossibility in regards to me.
Is it so wrong that I want to be happy, for just ONCE in my life? Is it so wrong that I just want to have someone I can curl up in bed with and forget the rest of the world, even just for 5 minutes; to lay there and know that everything’s going to be fine, because I have this one special someone who cares about me? I don’t see how that’s asking too much.
I don’t want gifts or spontaneous surprises or a declaration of love from the rooftops. I just want someone to care enough about me to want to be with me, for who I am, flaws and all. But it seems like no matter what I do, I’m doing SOMETHING wrong, because they have all left. Every single last one of them. And it’s not like I was expecting to be with every single one of them, but in 5 years, not one single person has ever returned my feelings. Oh yeah sure some of them, no sorry, MOST of them pretended to, but come 4-6 weeks down the track, I always get that silent treatment, and then out of no-where ‘I can’t, I’m sorry’. Half of them would then be with someone else not even a week afterwards, as if that wouldn’t hurt me like hell. And I’d pretend it didn’t, but to be totally honest, it hurts so badly that sometimes it completely overwhelms me.
And there’s only so many times I can be put through this before I break for good. I am only one girl, who puts her heart and soul into everything I do, and there is only so much I can take. And maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I need to stop caring. But that’s not who I am, I can’t do that, not even to save myself from the pain of what I know will always happen, time and time again.
But you know what? It’s okay. It’s okay because I know what they’ve lost. Because there is no-one who would care more for someone, or who would do more than me. But I guess that’s not good enough for anyone anymore.
What is so wrong with me..?

Sometimes I struggle so hard to understand humanity. I struggle to grasp the way some people view those around them. I struggle to comprehend how they can torment and degrade and demean people for things out of their control. I think the greatest thing that people have trouble coming to terms with in today’s society is sexuality. How one person could be different from everyone else they know and not understand why that person doesn’t think like they do. And that lack of understanding is the cause of so much pain to so many.
Sexuality isn’t something we can chose. We can’t decide that we’re heterosexual just because someone says it is wrong to be gay and we shouldn’t have to. Religious people will tell you that being homosexual is a sin, that it is wrong and that God will punish you for it. And even people who aren’t devout will too. Yet don’t they also say that God made us the way that we are, and that he loves us all equally? Don’t they say that we are made in God’s likeness? Well then if that is all true, how can they hate homosexuals as much as they do? Is there anywhere in the Commandments where God says ‘you shall not have romantic feelings towards someone of the same sex’? No there isn’t. So why do some people feel it necessary to demean someone, or bully or even physically harm someone because of their sexuality? All throughout history there is record of homosexuality, Alexander the Great, Socrates, Hadrian and even Sir Elton John were all men who experienced what we today deem as homosexual acts, yet these were great men, who achieved great things, and though they may or may not have been ‘gay’, have impacted many many people for the better. Being homosexually orientated doesn’t make you dirty or disgusting, it doesn’t make you instantly incapable of being someone important and of influence, it doesn’t mean that you deserve to be treated in any way less than someone of heterosexual orientation. The preconceptions and judgements people make of others in this world greatly saddens and disappoints me. We live for such a short time in this world, so why should we feel the need to torment others for things they cannot change. You can’t beat the homosexuality out of someone any less than you can beat the freckles off them. There should be no enjoyment out of making someone feel less than they should, unless you’re a mentally diagnosed psychopath, and then you cannot help the way you feel any more than a homosexual person can. Humanity has made many mistakes throughout history, yet we haven’t learned from most of them yet, and the ones we have, it took far too long for comfort. I wonder if in mine, or how many lifetimes after will it take until we learn from this one?

Everyone likes to believe they’re different from the rest of the world. They like to believe that their life has an ultimate goal, a higher meaning than they can understand. They believe that they deserve everything they dream of and that they have a right to be happy. But life is so fickle, full of whimsical aspirations and hopes that in the reality of their life, people never achieve what they want to. They want a fun and well-paying career, a nice, expensive home, a loving and doting spouse, and a long and prosperous life. They feel they need these things to be happy. But too often we aim so high with our career that we fall short and settle for less, we buy ourselves a mediocre house and spend our lives turning it into a home we have designed in our heads, we get the idea of the perfect spouse from novels and movies who are too perfect to exisist in reality so we settle for someone who we can at least stand to spend the rest of our life with, and we put ourselves through so much that our bodies cannot withstand the aging of time, the wearing down of our souls in daily life and end up dying when we feel we are still so young. And for what I ask you? The age old question is why? And no-one has the answers we need. And so we rely upon something greater than ourselves, a belief in something that makes no sense, and call it faith. The faithful say that God gives to those who deserve his compassion, and that those who do not receive it have done something to deserve being neglected. But if that is true, who is he to judge? If we are created in God’s likeness then surely all our faults are a part of that too? And so I ask you, if this is the case, and we are created in his likeness, how dare he judge us for his mistakes?

Reading is what allows me to live.
It is what convinces me that there is always hope for better in the future. It is what proves to me that true happiness is possible because in a world of absolute horror and nightmare, people still manage to smile and laugh and experience joy. All the people in the world who have experienced pain and loss and heartbreak; they continue to be. Because they have the hope that is given to them by stories. Stories that give them the belief that there is something greater to their existence than what meets the eye. Stories that give them the strength to try again and again after failure after failure, mistake after mistake. And that is because we dare to dream. We dare to imagine. And to imagine, to dream, to hope, we live.

You are the one thing I desperately want, but the one thing that I cannot have. Is it really so selfish of me to wish you all to myself, so that for just once in my godforsaken life I could be happy? Is it really so selfish? And everyday I try to continue living, though it is not really living, because without you in it, my life is hollow. And every memory I have is bittersweet; upon first remembering of a moment we shared I will smile to myself and feel content. But then the moment passes as I remember that now you are gone, and I feel as though I’ve been shot through the chest with a canon ball; I find I can’t quite breathe. And oh how it hurts! It hurts so that I am incapacitated, crippled, disabled! I become less than useless. I turn into a hindrance to those around me, from the pain I am trying to forget. I am an empty shell of memories and longing and anguish. And I tell myself that this isn’t the end; that I will find another, or perhaps you will be returned to me someday. Alas it does not numb the hurt, and it does not make my days any easier to pretend to live. There is no cure, for the loss of you. By all that remains of my heart, and all the pieces of my soul, there is no cure! 

There are two parts to my dilhemma. One, every fibre of my being is screaming to beg you to stay, but the other, my brain is yelling at me not to be selfish and to keep my mouth shut. And to be completely honest, I don’t know which has the upper hand. There is a war raging inside of me and I don’t know what the result will be. All I know is that either way, I’m going to end up hurting not only myself, but you. And that is the last thing I ever wished to do. And so I will ask of you but one question and here it is: promise me that if some day we should end up together in time and place you’ll be willing, no determined to try again. Because you are everything I’ve been looking for, and everything I don’t and probably will never have. But I hold onto the hope that maybe some day it will be my turn for happiness, and that such happiness, will be given to me in the form of you.

You know those times when the reality of everything comes crashing down? Those times when you are at a complete loss of what move to make next? Those times when it seems like nothing is satisfactory or able to give you a sense of achievement and fulfillment? The times when it gets hard to breathe for lack of insight into what is ahead… Those are the times that I value, yet also fear the most.

I am at a crossroads of my life. Up until a few short weeks ago, I knew EXACTLY what it was I wanted to do with my life, and now that I have the opportunity to go out and make my plans and dreams into actions, I just sit here, contemplating if my views of how I should go about this next stage of my life are the right ones, and what will happen to me if I make a mistake. Everything was planned out, step by step in my head, so much so that when someones parent, or a teacher, my doctor, my mothers friends, or even my co-workers asked me what my plan was, it was like I was reciting a paragraph off a piece of paper… Now I kind of just babble on about the things I WANTED to do, not really certain if it’s what I want anymore. It terrifies me, and at the same time, exhilarates me. But the fact that I can’t decide my next move is troubling. I need some sort of guidance on how to approach this, yet no-one has ever been in my exact situation before, and so they couldn’t possibly know the difficulties that associate with it.

Maybe all I can do at present is just take every day as it comes, and some form of miraculous insight or blinding epiphony will strike me when I least expect it. All I know is that as of right now, every new day is another adventure just waiting to be taken.